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'Baby, you gotta teach people how to treat you.' Advice that was given to me so lovingly by a mentor and friend many years ago when I was struggling to enforce boundaries. I'm sure you have heard this phrase at some point in your life and if you were like me you learned the hard way that 2+2 isn't always 4. During last week's SenterME Sis! Luncheon, Securing Your Growth w/Boundaries, we created space to briefly discuss this belief system and I was so inspired that I wanted to write about it to dive in a bit deeper. In this post, we are exploring this timeless belief to reveal why you should never take responsibility for a person's choice not to respect the space you require, why teaching people how to treat you is a half-truth, and why learning to let go is invaluable.
It's Not You It's ME
Creating space for yourself can look like self-advocacy, defining accepted and expected behavior, emotional wellness, balance, meeting your needs, personal and professional growth, and more. This is responsibility for self and requires only your participation. It is dangerously unhealthy to take responsibility for the actions of others and their inability to respect the space you require. What if they fail? What happens when their behavior doesn't change? When we believe that we must teach someone how to treat us, at what point do we decide that they are unteachable? These are important questions to ask yourself because if you blame yourself for their failure to respect the space you require and their choice to continue their behavior, it will fuel insecurity and even codependency which is typically found in toxic relationships and taker-giver dynamics.
Teaching someone how to treat you doesn't always result in changed behavior for many different reasons. But your responsibility for yourself and your relationship with yourself must always reign supreme. Truthfully, the only person you can teach how to treat you is you. There are circumstances when people will change their behavior but only because they choose to do so. Please resist the urge to associate their decision to change their behavior with your worthiness. No matter what anyone says or does, you are worthy of all the space you require.
This birthright of limitless space and freedom needs no defense, however, advocacy is quite necessary. Refraining from taking responsibility for the choice someone makes not to respect your boundaries keeps you from confusing a need with a desire for their participation in your space and empowers you to enforce boundaries maintaining alignment with your highest well-being.
True, False, or Both?
In self-advocacy, understanding how boundaries work is essential because you will find that boundaries are an extension of our belief system. Beliefs are powerful because they drive our behavior governing our daily lives, our relationships, our gifts and how we express ourselves, and ultimately how we regulate ourselves. But contrary to popular opinion, beliefs can and do change whether for better or for worse.
Based on faith, scientific theory, word of mouth, or tradition, beliefs can invite limitless potential for growth and expansion or restriction and mere comfort. Here's the million-dollar question, is the belief that you are responsible for teaching people how to treat you a belief born from self-advocacy? There is a thin line between boundaries (a tool of self-advocacy) and conditions (a defense mechanism) and this belief is conditional. Yes, you indeed are to uphold the standard in which you allow others to treat you and enforce your boundaries but your intention matters.
For example, if your intention is to exist in healthy, energizing, and vast spaces that are conducive to your emotional wellness, personal and professional growth, and evolution then boundaries are necessary. But if you intend to manipulate, change, or control the behaviors of others to aid in your comfort and adhere to your accepted version of them, then this is conditional behavior and has little to do with your growth and ability to self-regulate on a high level.
Self-advocacy is a part of the whole of self-regulation and does not depend on or guarantee the change in the actions of others. It does, however, guarantee the consistency of your actions and strengthens your ability to make tough decisions that support boundary enforcement and self-preservation.
What's to Gain When Letting Go?
Speaking of tough decisions, letting go somehow never seems to be an option when we believe that we should teach others how to treat us. I remember saying I would let go just as a desperate attempt to change someone's behavior in a relationship or on the job. Whew! Teaching people how to treat you to change their behavior is exhausting. I had to learn that sometimes teaching people how to treat you is letting them go. Letting go is an act of self-love because it is literally how you create space for yourself.
Whether letting go of people, habits, beliefs, or things, you are always creating space for yourself, your tribe, new beliefs, new behaviors, and opportunities to expand and evolve into the woman of your dreams over and over again. Letting go builds trust in yourself because you are choosing yourself further encouraging security.
When you let go, you have accepted that person for who they are and are empowered to make the necessary changes in the status of their participation in your space.
This is how you grow in presence and advanced self-regulation. The practice of letting go is necessary because it reinforces acceptance, recharges expression, and supports intentional reflection. In letting go, we must be intentional, consistent in our actions, and embracing of the unknown. This practice also shifts your perspective from believing there is a loss of time, energy, effort, or people, to knowing that you have gained more of yourself, your awareness of yourself, your power, and the security that comes with self-advocacy.
To strengthen your Let Go muscle, here are some healthy practices:
set and enforce boundaries with yourself (ex saying 'no' to working late or eating after 7p, learning to say 'no' to you first is key)
commit to letting go of something every day whether it be a pet peeve, something from the infamous junk drawer, or a mistake
process your emotions regularly by keeping it R.E.A.L. (learning to let go of emotions is a lot easier than letting go of people)
spend quality time with yourself and get clear on what creating space for you looks like, feels like, sounds like, and even smells like :)
When it comes to teaching others how to treat you it boils down to being clear on your intention, maintaining your boundaries, and not being afraid to let go. You will benefit from less stress, more confidence, balance, and most importantly a healthy relationship with yourself.
Have you tried teaching someone how to treat you? What was that experience like? Share in the comments. If you enjoyed this article and found it insightful, share it with a close friend or family member and expand on this journey of emotional wellness and stress relief together!
At SenterME we create a clear path to emotional wellness and stress relief for women professionals and we are excited that you found us. Be sure to subscribe to our weekly newsletter, SenterME Sunday, for tips & tools for emotional wellness and stress relief, updates, opportunities to partner with us, and upcoming events!
Remember, wellness is your birthright and self-love is true freedom.
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