Before You Set Boundaries, Read THIS!

I know why you're here. You are thinking about making some serious upgrades in your life. You desire a life that is well, vast, healthy, secure, and in alignment with your highest good. You want to see yourself, and I mean really SEE yourself. You want love to flow easily through you and all around you unconditionally. You desire constant expansion that requires infinite space to evolve over and over again. This incredible life is yours for the taking and all you need to do is to believe that it is already yours... and set boundaries.

Your belief is what brought you here. Before you decide what boundaries you need to set in your life to kick things off, let's define what boundaries actually are, how they often get confused with conditions, and why setting boundaries with ourselves is the key to enforcing and maintaining boundaries with others.

What is your definition of boundaries?

Boundaries help us to identify the accepted and expected behavior in our internal and external environment. Behavior is driven by beliefs so our boundaries are an extension of our belief system. When it comes to boundaries we must first identify what our beliefs are and adjust or release them altogether so that our new beliefs align with our highest good and therefore our boundaries as well. And yes, beliefs can change.

In essence, boundaries are a means of self-regulation and self-preservation.

They involve the conscious establishment of behaviors, interactions, and experiences to create a sense of well-being, maintain personal integrity, and foster positive relationships. Setting boundaries involves understanding one's beliefs, reassessing them if necessary, and aligning them with a vision of a fulfilling and harmonious life. Boundaries allow us to grow and expand because they help us to create space for ourselves.

Once upon a time, I believed that I needed something sweet while I was eating dinner, immediately afterward, or late that night. Because I believed this, sometimes if there were no options at home, I would leave the comfort of my home (which included gathering up the children) to make a run to the store to get that sweet something. The belief driving the behavior. I wasn't thinking about the weight I was gaining, the emotions I was feeding, or the discomfort I was willing to endure. This is only a sample of how powerful our beliefs are and even in the absence of boundaries, there is much insight to gain on what we deem to be acceptable and expected behavior.

Why are boundaries often confused with conditions?

As previously mentioned, boundaries are a form of self-regulation and self-preservation. Emphasis on the self. This means that our boundaries aren't mechanisms to control others or be a tyrant of the self, for that, you would need conditions. A condition requires certain measures to be met by another party or yourself to receive your loyalty, respect, admiration, or favor of some sort in return. Like boundaries, conditions are also an extension of your belief system. However, conditions are restrictive and finite.

The lack of grace, forgiveness, flexibility, and compassion are signs that rather than the use of boundaries, conditions are present. Conditions also require much more energy than boundaries. This is because conditions may require you to work against your highest good, exhaust your energy by overextending your ability to give, isolate yourself, and/or relinquish your power by reacting to the behaviors of others rather than responding to yourself.

Conditions are the ceiling and boundaries are the foundation. You need only a strong foundation.

So why or how are boundaries often confused with conditions? Well, this is because boundaries are sometimes understood as defense mechanisms, and coupled with survival or toxic beliefs the line between boundaries and conditions is blurred. Self-advocacy doesn't involve attempting to change the beliefs of others, it is making clear what is acceptable and expected treatment (setting boundaries) of self.

With boundaries, we always have choices to align ourselves with our highest good. That doesn't mean these choices are always easy but this is abundance behavior no matter if we feel we are losing something or someone. We are returning to our wholeness and gaining more space for growth, authenticity, expression, and ultimately, evolution. Conditions remove us from this field of infinite possibilities of expansion, allowing only fear to drive our behavior. Here are some examples of conditions:

If I put my children before myself, then I would be a good mother.

If I am always the 'strong friend', then I would be of value to my friends.

If I say no, then they won't love/respect/care for me.

If I receive respect, then I give respect.

How do boundaries really work?

As a recovering people-pleaser, condition-setter, the other half of serial toxic relationships, and tyrant of the self, I learned a very important lesson about setting, enforcing, and maintaining boundaries. I had to be the first to respect my boundaries if I was going to understand their value and the importance of enforcing and maintaining them with others. Referring back to my sweet after-dinner dilemma, by the time I decided that something had to change, I had already quit smoking and drinking. I evaluated the belief that motivated these changes and the boundary I set with myself to encourage sustainability.

The Belief: I am self-aware and I regulate myself on a high level. This means that I am always striving to innerstand myself emotionally, mentally, physically, environmentally, and spiritually. So in cultivating a healthy response to myself, my needs are always met.

The Boundary: I take time to assess my needs to respond to myself in a healthy way that is in alignment with my highest good.

The Behavior: I check in with myself daily to keep it R.E.A.L. and assess my needs to grow in self-awareness and maintain harmony between my internal and external environment.

With the desire to know more about this craving and learn more about why I was experiencing it to get to the root of the unmet need, I found several ways to align with my highest good:

1. Changing my diet by increasing veggies and slowly eliminating meats and animal byproducts to encourage a more alkaline, low-fat, low-sodium consumption lifestyle.

2. After realizing the craving was tied to anxiety, I started practicing taking the time to ask myself purpose questions when I noticed myself having the cravings, such as 'What am I worried about?' or 'Are there emotions I am avoiding?'

3. Spend more time in stillness with myself to grow in self-awareness allowing me to be more present and anticipate my needs rather than waiting on physical sensations prompting me to settle for the quick and convenient solution.

With boundaries, we upgrade our internal and external environment because they encourage us to explore AND express ourselves. The beautiful part about boundaries is that if you fall and stray away from your boundaries you can always get back up and bring yourself back into adherence again. All you have to do is choose to believe that you are worthy, you are capable, and you are enough. That's it. The more you practice adhering to your boundaries the stronger you will grow in enforcing them with others. Our boundaries are tools of self-mastery and greater daily fulfillment.

Give yourself grace and be flexible, compassionate, and forgiving with yourself.

Ready to set those boundaries? Need help? Comment below with your questions and I will do my best to answer them. Also, check out our upcoming events for SenterME Sis! Luncheons, Keep It R.E.A.L. Journaling sessions, and more!

Remember, wellness is your birthright and self-love is true freedom.